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Entry tags:
nostalgia and other tricks of memory.
[ As of late, Makoto's been having trouble sleeping. While insomnia is an ordinary facet of his schedule as of late, given copious amounts of coursework and essay after essay bound to induce catatonia in any student worth their salt, there's more to his perpetual tiredness than he ever lends credence toward. The nights elongate for him like they leech off unorthodoxy, his perception of time passing skewed for hours upon hours of navel-gazing.
Sometimes, he even catches glimpses of what he's after. It's always diaphanous, always partially unreal, but it's only in that strange limbo between wakefulness and slumber that Makoto remembers someone he isn't entirely ready to think about, the recurring ghost at the edge of his consciousness, snapped around awareness, the failure of memory and how it never retains sentiment as it should.
It's Monday morning, again.
Seven A.M. and Makoto is sloughing off the dredges of early-bird traffic to find a parking spot. Give or take another fifteen minutes, and he's on campus, winding through the thoroughfare of absently milling students to make his first class. His breath keeps echoing somewhere in his lungs, shattered and partially discrepant, like he's running a high, high fever. Invariably, he's spent the entire morning tossing and turning, restlessness pricking holes in his exhaustion. Tiredness elapses around his yawns, rounding them out as he enters the class with a couple of the last-minute stragglers.
Even arithmetic won't let up on banalities. The instructor keeps speaking in a steady stream of nonsense like his words dwell on an exponential curve, and for the first half Makoto's preoccupied with meticulously spot-checking his textbook as if it'll lend anything in the way of understanding. The answers continue to evade his concentration, and after a while he forgoes listening to the teacher drone in lieu of making sense of the hieroglyphics passing for equations on the current assignment.
Digging a heavy fist into one eye socket, Makoto shakes his head in vain, peering down at the page. Underscored with frustration, it's largely a byproduct of flayed nerves and discomposure on the rise that he knocks his pencil off, sends it skittering with an ill-time knock of his wrist. It's a simple enough maneuver to blink awake and drowsily grasp for it along the floor, but he keeps coming up empty, inexplicably, and gazing down is just enough to freeze him in place.
It's gone.
Makoto has half a mind to rise up out of his seat, thrashing around to find the writing utensil when something sharp pokes into his side and he directs his gaze sidelong, expecting the worst.
Instead, he's confronted with an outstretched hand, the pencil slid out between the index and middle finger, cursorily offered to him. His gaze falters, then rises — up to a stranger that, for all intents and purposes, feels too familiar to dismiss.
(A memory of blue, blue eyes, bright and intent, nearly luminous —)
Alarmed, Makoto nearly collapses out of his seat with a clatter, only saving himself from topping over by hooking one foot around a table leg and pulling himself up through sheer force of will. ]
O-Oh. Thanks.
[ Confusion irradiates his voice, blotchy with disrepair as he abruptly resettles, tentatively taking the pencil in hand but not retracting his hand. The seconds tick by on a lopsided axis, but Makoto manages to work up enough internal fortitude to ask the big-ticket question beating against his skull. ]
... Have we met before?
[ Talk about clichés. He can't help but ask, either way. ]
Sometimes, he even catches glimpses of what he's after. It's always diaphanous, always partially unreal, but it's only in that strange limbo between wakefulness and slumber that Makoto remembers someone he isn't entirely ready to think about, the recurring ghost at the edge of his consciousness, snapped around awareness, the failure of memory and how it never retains sentiment as it should.
It's Monday morning, again.
Seven A.M. and Makoto is sloughing off the dredges of early-bird traffic to find a parking spot. Give or take another fifteen minutes, and he's on campus, winding through the thoroughfare of absently milling students to make his first class. His breath keeps echoing somewhere in his lungs, shattered and partially discrepant, like he's running a high, high fever. Invariably, he's spent the entire morning tossing and turning, restlessness pricking holes in his exhaustion. Tiredness elapses around his yawns, rounding them out as he enters the class with a couple of the last-minute stragglers.
Even arithmetic won't let up on banalities. The instructor keeps speaking in a steady stream of nonsense like his words dwell on an exponential curve, and for the first half Makoto's preoccupied with meticulously spot-checking his textbook as if it'll lend anything in the way of understanding. The answers continue to evade his concentration, and after a while he forgoes listening to the teacher drone in lieu of making sense of the hieroglyphics passing for equations on the current assignment.
Digging a heavy fist into one eye socket, Makoto shakes his head in vain, peering down at the page. Underscored with frustration, it's largely a byproduct of flayed nerves and discomposure on the rise that he knocks his pencil off, sends it skittering with an ill-time knock of his wrist. It's a simple enough maneuver to blink awake and drowsily grasp for it along the floor, but he keeps coming up empty, inexplicably, and gazing down is just enough to freeze him in place.
It's gone.
Makoto has half a mind to rise up out of his seat, thrashing around to find the writing utensil when something sharp pokes into his side and he directs his gaze sidelong, expecting the worst.
Instead, he's confronted with an outstretched hand, the pencil slid out between the index and middle finger, cursorily offered to him. His gaze falters, then rises — up to a stranger that, for all intents and purposes, feels too familiar to dismiss.
(A memory of blue, blue eyes, bright and intent, nearly luminous —)
Alarmed, Makoto nearly collapses out of his seat with a clatter, only saving himself from topping over by hooking one foot around a table leg and pulling himself up through sheer force of will. ]
O-Oh. Thanks.
[ Confusion irradiates his voice, blotchy with disrepair as he abruptly resettles, tentatively taking the pencil in hand but not retracting his hand. The seconds tick by on a lopsided axis, but Makoto manages to work up enough internal fortitude to ask the big-ticket question beating against his skull. ]
... Have we met before?
[ Talk about clichés. He can't help but ask, either way. ]
no subject
... It isn't just a feeling for me, either. I really think you're someone I know.
[ But he's caustic, he's unwinding: Makoto's discomforted and relived by Haru's words at once, and the tumbling contradictions in him make for a cocktail of bad decisions and worse outcomes. ]
If I could prove it to you right now, I would.
no subject
You don't have to prove it. I know.
[ He sinks deeper into the water almost up to his eyes, comforting himself with the cool liquid surrounding him. ]
no subject
[ It's a complaint that lacks any heat, the sort of tepid response that comes of acceptance. Maybe resignation, even, although he isn't at all consoled by the affirmative when it lends further legitimacy toward the notion that his mind isn't entirely playing tricks on him. Makoto isn't playing toward deception in the slightest when he intertwines his palms in his lap, staring past Haru at some indiscriminate point above his head. ]
I know it sounds silly, but do you know anything about me? Like who I used to be, or how we knew each other.
[ A long, weight pause ensues, and then, tentatively spoken, his words hanging in the air: ]
... What kind of person do you remember me being?
no subject
The same. You panicked about stuff.
[ Including his diving into water, Haru remembers that. Silly things, but he got used to it. ]
You came to the pool with me then, too.
no subject
Really. It kind of seems like ... like it's happened already. I never went to the pool with anyone, but when you say it like that, it's almost like I remember it.
[ A weighted pause. ]
... You lived near me too, didn't you? We were neighbors.
no subject
Neighbors. Haru thinks about it for a few seconds. ]
And we went to the same pool to practice. I remember that.
[ And then, because while socially awkward and rather oblivious, having daytime movies playing on TV while home alone as a child lead to a conclusion. ]
I guess we knew each other in a past life.
no subject
Well, remember is kind of a strong word, but—
[ And then he stops in his tracks and just kind of. Gapes, a bit, lending a bit more credibility to the fishy-eyed look he gets in his gaze around the ocean. ]
That's a little too much, isn't it?! I mean, a p-past life— isn't that kind of far-fetched? Maybe we just shared the same dream, or something—
[ Shared the same dream, like walking a mile in someone else's subconscious isn't an equally ludicrous notion on its own. ]
no subject
[ So really, Makoto, who's the one with the weirder theories here? Huh??? ]
Doesn't it feel like you remember it?
[ Well, whether it's a shared dream or past lives, Haru accepts the feelings that come with the memories. It explains some of the strangeness he's felt around not having someone... this close. ]
no subject
[ Never mind that the implications of him being twins with Haru are horrifying in and of themselves. Makoto settles for an outright dispassionate look. He's no stranger to empathy, although the way it's manifesting in him now is making him second-guess his grasp on reality. ]
It does, but shouldn't we try to explore all possibilities? There's probably, well — a more reasonable explanation, I guess.
[ Not that he's any less affected for disregarding the probability of having a second life, much less a first that reoccurs in his dreams. ]
no subject
[ ...obviously. Haru passes the thought off a moment later, feeling like they've exhausted that topic. ]
If you think of a different explanation, tell me. [ Haru begins to move from the pool, shaking water from his limbs and going to the lockers to find his towel. As much as he likes to soak for hours and hours, he's hungry.
He does not, however, mention or explain this as he goes. ]
no subject
[ Incredulous, Makoto's already dogging at his heels without so much as pulling off his jammers (well, not like he has any plans to go into the showers, per se, but Haru's at the lockers) and coming to a standstill at the entrance of it. He won't keep Haru from skipping out of the locker room entirely, but the utter disbelief on Makoto's features should give it all away. ]
You're leaving already?
no subject
[ He takes his towel and dries himself off, patting away droplets of water and scrubbing at his hair. It's less chlorine-burnt than when he practiced all the time. ]
I have to buy groceries.
no subject
[ Entirely taken aback (well, what he was even expecting), Makoto eventually settles on polite befuddlement. ]
... Well, don't let me keep you, then.
[ Like, he can't just ask if he can be his plus-one on a grocery trip with zero qualms, so it looks like this is where they part ways for today. Makoto looks appropriately sheepish for considering as much. ]
no subject
He nods in acknowledgment. ]
I'll see you in class.
[ Though he still likes to spend hours soaking in the tub, he knows he has to attend to graduate... and whatever. Haru picks his things up and departs.
The next day, Haru is looking out the window before the professor begins teaching. When Makoto appears he looks at him out of the corner of his eye but says nothing. ]